Chicago Home and Lifestyles – Setting family boundaries

This time of year is a good time to think about setting and keeping boundaries, especially around family. If you find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat, or if your heart starts racing at the thought of attending the family Thanksgiving, it might be good for you to keep reading. You need to set a standard for how you want to be treated. Anyone can benefit, especially those who have spent years in a toxic family environment. Standards and boundaries can be beneficial for both the person setting them and the person on the receiving end!

First, you need to communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly. Follow a basic conversation template. “If you say or do X, I will have to do Y”. It could be as simple as telling a parent, “If you make a remark about my outfit, I will need to leave the table”. It can even get to the point where you can say, “If you continue to disrespect my partner, we won’t be able to attend family dinners anymore.” This is not a request; it simply makes clear what you will not tolerate. But always follow through.

You can give a person the chance to course correct. You can tell your cousin, “I’m not OK with being talked to like that, if you continue, I will have to leave.” Then do just that if they persist. You can also explain why you are asking for a particular boundary. If your grandmother pushes food at you and won’t stop you can simply say, “The food is delicious, I am trying to eat a little healthier now and enjoyed the serving I had. Perhaps I could take some home to enjoy tomorrow.” Tell her what a wonderful time you are having. Maybe she just wants you to enjoy your time at home and food is her love language. 

Don’t let yourself become so invested in how others react to you. Oftentimes it’s not ill-will that causes family to act the way they do. It can be simply thoughtlessness or a misunderstanding, so do your best not to take everything they say to heart. And try not to feel resentful if you are also not receiving much in return. Think: I will take as much as I give. 

Keep in mind that this is an ongoing process. These things don’t happen overnight, especially with family members. The whole family system may have to shift, but it will be beneficial for all. Sometimes, you may find yourself on the receiving end so take it in stride as long as the request is healthy. Boundaries are hard, for both the person setting them and the one on the receiving end. But they do act as a way of connection and can strengthen family bonds. 

Kathleen Weaver-Zech and Dean’s Team Chicago