Chicago Home and Lifestyles – Practice Self Compassion

Everywhere we are seeing that more people are working on their mental health. Thankfully we are realizing that mental health is just as important as our physical health. Self-compassion does not lead to self-indulgence, nor does it take away your motivation to improve. Rather it has a positive effect on conditions like depression and anxiety. Self-compassion has three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. 

Self-kindness lets you be good to yourself rather than judging yourself. Thinking things like I’m so stupid, how could I screw up like that, is unproductive. With the thought of common humanity, you realize that everyone messes up sometimes. You are not the only one going through this. When you practice mindfulness, you see that you don’t actually identify with your painful thoughts. You acknowledge that they are there and painful but know they are just thoughts.

I know you think this sounds rather self-indulgent. Surely, we need more self-criticism in order to motivate us to improve, but research shows that this is a misconception. A group of students at Berkeley were given an extremely challenging exam; it was so difficult that everyone failed. But before the test they were separated into three groups and given 3 different messages after the test. The self-compassion group were told: “You’re not alone, it’s common for students to have trouble with tests like this”. The next group received a self esteem boost: “You must be so smart if you got into Berkeley!”. The last group received no message. They were then allowed to study for a retest. The self-compassion group ended up with higher scores and studied the longest. They showed the greatest motivation! When you tell yourself I did not do well, but neither did others, it is not so psychologically damning. You take more responsibility for your actions. 

Practicing self-compassion can be learned. Some will take longer than others but that’s ok. Start by being mindful of how you’re feeling in a specific moment. Say to yourself, “That’s hard, it’s painful. I’m suffering”.  Then you realize this is just part of the human condition, many people have been in your place. Then offer yourself a bit of self-kindness. You can do something as simple as holding your hands together or place your hand on your heart. It should be a physical touch. Then imagine if a friend would come to you with the same dilemma you are experiencing. How would you help them? Try treating yourself as well as you would a friend. 

So, try this sometime when you are criticizing yourself for some failure. See what happens! What good is that self-criticism doing you? If there was a way to get rid of that, wouldn’t that be awesome?

Kathleen Weaver-Zech and Dean’s Team Chicago